I tried so hard to avoid fighting. I didn’t want to feel that irrational, rapturous madness. So, while others fought to kill, I held myself back. Maybe I’d do some damage and help defend against those gangsters. I wouldn’t have wasted all those years isolating myself. Instead I was captured. To be sold as slave. I tried to use minimal force to escape from that cage. I failed, and each time I did, I remembered their taunts, and my mind brought up images of violence. Of using my bare hands to rip my enemy apart. Of laughing.
We escaped. We fought. I let the rage overtake me. We won.
I’m sorry Kadu.
I told you I wouldn’t kill anymore. That I would never allow it to happen to me again. But… was my promise worth dying for? Maybe… I was never meant to ignore it. If that’s true, then I know I don’t belong with the Sen. Maybe I need to accept this. But if I do, I cannot hope to ask for your forgiveness.